woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
even my farts smell like vagina
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize