Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
