happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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