apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
