After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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