I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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