My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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