dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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