I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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