i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
