dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
