hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
