omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
