so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
