I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
