sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
