just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
