everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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