I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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