I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
