Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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