Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize