I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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