I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
