i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
