I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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