I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
