Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
