he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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