About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
