This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
