my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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