I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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