Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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