Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
