You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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