you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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