Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize