genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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