He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
