Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
