the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
