Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
