You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Come on in and take your pants off
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