hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
