Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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