Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
