im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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