He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
