I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
