Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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