the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
