My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
