god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
