I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
