Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize