I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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