I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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