Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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